A Long Overdue COMIC GEEK UPDATE!

Dark Horse's CONAN THE BARBARIAN kicks it into high gear with the 5th issue, where our favorite Cimmerian is about to be hanged in Argos, but is saved by a deal made by his pirate girlfriend, Belit. Now all Conan has to do is defeat the strongest man in the land...with his feet shackled and swordless! An absolutely BRUTAL installment.

In the final chapter of the ARGOS DECEPTION, issue no. 6 features Conan protecting a senior friend as they battle their way back to the docks to reunite with Belit. A truly savage finale to a fine story arc. I even started to enjoy James Harren's artwork this time around.

In issue no. 7, we begin a new tale titled BORDER FURY, where Conan returns home to Cimmeria and his pirate queen girlfriend finds it very hard to fit in as a servant. While Conan agrees to leave, he convinces Belit to stay until he finds out who the mysterious man is who has been pillaging the land using HIS name. A good story is underway, but unfortunately we're back to the sloppy artwork of Becky Cloonan. I'm eagerly awaiting the return of Tomas Giorello.

Dark Horse continues with it's CREEPY relaunch (although in regular comic book size). Issue no. 9 features a really weird opener titled UPON REFLECTION, a fine poetic tale titled THE RED KNIFE, the second part of THE LURKING FATE THAT CAME TO LOVECRAFT (in which the famous author deals with his own creations), and a fabulous Richard Corben-illustrated tale titled IN DEEP. There's a few funny one-page cartoons, too. Good stuff that keeps the spirit of the classic Warren magazine alive.

While I'm a big sci-fi fan, I was a a bit surprised to see the first issue of Dark Horse's EERIE re-launch to contain 3 out of 4 sci-fi tales. While they're all horror-oriented, only the final story, CHILD (illustrated in full color by Richard Corben) managed to keep that old-school EERIE feel. The 3 sci-fi tales are fine, if a bit familiar. Rafa Garres' artwork on BETA-EDEN is a stand out, and David Lapham's A ROBOT FOR YOUR THOUGHTS brings the WESTWORLD-like chills quite nicely. Not bad despite the uneven genre play.

As part of DC comic's massive relaunch of all its titles, SWAMP THING No. 1 features doctor Alex Holland  working as a hired hand on a construction site, trying to forget his past as a failed botanist. Even a visit from Superman can't convince him to get back to the work he's been called to do. But a visit from SWAMP THING commands his attention. I'm THRILLED about this new series (that somehow I missed when it started in November, 2011) that already seems to have the same high quality as the previous series released under DC's Vertigo imprint. Yanick Paquette's artwork is simply fantastic.

In the second issue, SWAMP THING reveals a bit of his background to Dr. Holland, and explains why he believes Holland is the Chosen One who will be called to deliver earth from the wrath of Sethe, a hideous creature bent on world domination. And when Sethe begins possessing people, turning them into distorted, homicidal maniacs, Holland is forced into action. A genuinely horrific installment.

I somehow missed issue 25, but 26 of iZOMBIE continues with the series finale story arc, THE END. A cthulhu-like beast (named Xitalu) is coming upon the earth, preceded by all kinds of strange and deadly creatures. To survive, both monsters AND monster hunters are uniting in an epic struggle. Michael Allred's eye-candy art continues to dazzle...

AND I missed issue 27 (!), but 28 (which sadly is the series finale) couldn't have ended on a more amazing note: (SPOILER ALERT): Gwen manages to defeat Xitalu in a most fantastic manner, as she uses her own powers in ways she never imagined possible. It's a balls-to-the-wall monster mash with TONS of heart.

I'm sad to see this series go, but hopefully another press will pick it up for more adventures. Writer Chris Roberson and artist Michael Allred make one KILLER team.

Uncomfortable Admissions (Part Two): A Lone Man's Obsession...

(The following is actual dialogue recorded at an August, 2012 LOW BUDGET SLASHER FILM ANONYMOUS meeting held in Staten Island, NY in a church hall that shall remain nameless)

Nick Cato: Hello everyone. My name is Nick and I'm a NIGHTMARE addict (the one from 1981). I saw the film once in high school when it played on a double bill with MOTHER'S DAY, then saw it about a dozen times on VHS, then a few times on a bootleg DVD, and thanks to the official 2011 CODEREDDVD 30th anniversary re-issue, have now seen it at least 40 times.

Group: Hello, Nick.

Group Leader: Please continue, Mr. Cato.

Nick Cato: I don't know what it is about this poorly-acted, generic slasher film, but I can't get enough of it. Maybe it's the gore sequences that still make me cringe? Maybe it's the old man mask the killer, George Tatum, wears during the finale when he attempts to murder his family? I can't pin-point that one single thing that keeps drawing me back.

Group Leader: So how far has this obsession of yours gone, Mr. Cato?

Nick Cato: Well, besides continually promoting it since my initial 1983 screening, sometime in the early 2000s I created an unofficial tribute website that can be seen at THIS WEB ADDRESS and I was able to write about it in a slasher film book titled BUTCHER KNIVES AND BODY COUNTS that, oddly enough, was also released in the summer of 2011, shortly after the CODERED re-release of the film on DVD.

Someone From the Group: You do sound a bit overboard for this particular film.

Nick Cato: You have no idea. I even managed to obtain this on eBay a few months ago.

(For the sake of online continuity, the following picture shows Nick holding an original press sheet for the film. He stood up during the meeting and proudly showed this off to the Group, who all gasped that he brought something like it into the church hall)

Group Leader: Now Mr. Cato, you know you're not supposed to bring anything like that here. How do you expect us to help you?

Nick Cato: I apologize, but after the meeting I was going to have this framed at the mall.

Group Leader: So you truly have no intention of getting better, DO YOU Mr. Cato?

Nick Cato: (there's a brief pause...then:) NOPE! I just wanted all you trendy bitches to hear about this movie ONE LAST TIME before I'm banned from this sad group of geeks for good! And like I told you all a few months ago, the DVD has now SOLD OUT and costs a small fortune on Amazon!!!

Group Leader: I THOUGHT you looked familiar! (The Group Leader then picks up a walkie talkie, calling for the security guard to escort Mr. Cato off the premises).

Nick Cato: (as he's being dragged out the door, waving his one-sheet press page and official DVD copy of the film, that he pulls out of his back pocket:) REMEMBER! The film is called NIGHTMARE! From 1981! Directed by Romano Scavolini...! 

(Sounds of Nick being punched in the stomach distort the rest of the audio transcript).

NIGHTMARE Official 30th Anniversary DVD

(Link to the Out Of Print DVD...well worth the extra moolah!)

My First Short Story Collection Out Now!

My first short story collection, ANTIBACTERIAL POPE AND OTHER INCONGRUOUS STORIES is now available as a trade paperback.  There are no immediate plans for an eBook edition. This one's full of my "bizarro super shorts" plus 6 regular-length short stories--2 published here for the first time. Enjoy and order one right here:

ANTIBACTERIAL POPE trade paperback edition

What people are saying:

“Imagine Edgar Allan Poe fakes his own death, gets into a time machine and heads into the future. He discovers new inspiration in Gary Larson’s classic Far Side comics. I can neither deny nor confirm that has happened, but if it did, Edgar would be writing under the pen name ‘Nick Cato.'"
-Gregory Hall, author of ‘At the End of Church Street’ and host of The Funky Werepig


"Nick Cato makes you vomit and laugh at the same time - you're lavomitting, but it's all good.  He's a carnival barker of the absurd who will entertain and simultaneously sicken you.  Worth the dollars, worth the read, worth your attention.  The man's going places."
-Eric Mays, author of Karaoke Death Squad

The 4th Laundry Novel Works...Despite Lame Antagonist

THE APOCALYPSE CODEX by Charless Stross (2012 Ace Books / 326 pp / hc)

In Stross' 4th Bob Howard 'Laundry' adventure, our favorite computational necromancing demonologist spy is sent to America after a wealthy televangelist visits the UK and shows off his healing skills...and manages to get a bit too close to the Prime Minister. And as fate would have it, there's much more going on at the Rev. Ray Schiller's Colorado-based megachurch than meets the eye.

(For those who don't know, Bob Howard works for the Laundry, a super-secret British agency commissioned to protect the world from Lovecraftian and demonic threats--think 007 with magickal powers).

This time Howard is aided by lone-wolf agent Persephone Hazard (MAN do I hate that name!) and her buddy Johhny (who wields two very nifty soul-sucking knives) as they go up against Schiller and his deceived flock of alien-parasite-possessed converts. Most of the action takes place in a snow-bound Colorado town, and unlike the previous novels there isn't much humor, and we actually see Howard maturing in his ways (somewhat, anyway).  He's not as goofy as before, although he still makes decisions that are a bit less than desirable. Despite this slightly more serious tone, Stross brings the fun fans of the Laundry series have come to expect--although it seems to come in shorter spurts than before, especially the finale that seemed to end WAY too quickly.

While I found THE APOCALYPSE CODEX a satisfying Laudry tale, Stross seems to have forgotten about the Laundry itself, which provided much tension and humor in the past; here they only show up sporadically, and it seems that THEY now rely on Howard more than he relies on them (and to prove it, Howard is given a fine promotion at the conclusion). I'm hoping their mysterious nature will be seen better in the next book.

My main gripe, however, is with Ray Schiller: here's an antagonist bent on unleashing an ancient alien God upon the earth, yet I found him about as threatening as Joel Osteen (I'm assuming Stross was trying to make some point here on the plastic-nature of most megachurches). Thankfully, Stross employs the aforementioned parasites as well as Russian civil war zombies (!) to attack our heroes in another dimension, otherwise there'd be very little threat going on here.

If you haven't read a Laundry novel before, I suggest catching up before coming here. You won't be lost, but you'll see a Bob Howard who's a bit different from the one we fans have come to love.

Those Horny Devils!

SATANIC SUMMER by Andersen Prunty (2012 Grindhouse Press / 230 pp / tp)

Doug and Crank are total opposites: Doug's a young Christian trying to live a clean, church-going life while Crank is continually drunk, has sex with anything that moves, and plays guitar in a death metal band. But despite their differences, they're best friends who work in a convienience store in a small Kentucky town called Clover.

As gruesome murders begin, so do sightinigs of a large goat-like beast, and when Crank swears a member of a threesome he was involved with turned into the creature, everything in their isolated town comes into question.

Doug's strange neighbor, Whitney, returns after a stinit in a mental institution, yet is more in tune than anyone else with what's really going on at their local church...a church Doug seems to be the only one committed to.

SATANIC SUMMER is a wickedly fun riff on classic occultic horror novels, spiked with Prunty's brand of dry humor and more sex than your standard porn film. With monsters, redneck pyrotechnics, devil orgies, chain-smoking church moms, Satanic driving instructors, and one seriously horny policeman, this b-movie brought-to-the-page demands to be read in one sitting. Add a plus for a finale that's as hysterical as it is sex-tanically depraved.

Kudos to Matthew Revert's MERCYFUL FATE-meets-PORKY'S cover design that's absolutely perfect for what waits within.