Dark Arts Books Strikes Again

SWALLOWED BY THE CRACKS edited by Bill Breedlove and John Everson (2011 Dark Arts Books /  260 pp / tp and e-Book)

The 7th multi-author collection from Dark Arts Books is a mixed bag of ideas, but almost every one of these 16 tales is a hit.

Lee Thomas gets things off to a wild start with 'Appetite of the Cyber Tribes,' about a man who comes across a gruesome net-based group, then delivers three more winners, one a tense police prodecural and one a deeply psychological chiller about a woman who deals her own way with with an unfaitfhul spouse.  GREAT stuff  all around.

Next up, Gary McMahon delivers four supernatural-tinged tinglers, including 'A Night Unburdened,' about a pizza delivery man who delivers a pie to the home of his old English teacher: it's funny, sexy, and in the end downright chilling.  'The Ghost in You,' is a wonderfully different type of ghost story, as heartbreaking as it is spooky.  Each McMahon tale is thoroughly satisfying.

This is the first time I've read anything by S.G. Browne, and his contributions reeled me right in.  'Dream Girls,' is a humorous look at a future time when alien DNA helps mankind to produce living sex slaves, and the one man who takes his new obsession with them way too far; 'Lower Slaughter' follows two tourists who go missing after visiting an isolated town populated with strange creatures; 'The Lord of Words' is a dark fantasy that will appeal to anyone who loves to write, and 'Dr. Lullaby' features a group of men who become unique super heros after becoming human guinea pigs for pharmaceutical companies.  I LOVED Browne's comic take on things and look forward to reading more from him.

Michael Marshall Smith (another author I read here for the first time) closes the book with 'Death Light,' about a UK screenwriter who has a most unusual ordeal with the police while trying to sell a screenplay in Hollywood; I didn't know what to make of 'The Stuff that Goes on in Their Heads,' about a father trying to get to the bottom of a bully bothering his son in school.  It hints at child abuse one second then abruptly ends in a way that could be taken from a few different angles.  Not a bad story, but one that seems pointless.  'REMTemps' is one of the best stories of the collection, about a down and out man who learns he has the ability to "take" other people's dreams and thoughts, and is paid well for it by a mysterious company.  It's dark scifi done right.  'Dave 2.0b2' is told in a chat room-style log, and deals with people attempting to get an unusual software upgrade.  It's short, strange, but should have come BEFORE 'REMTemps' as it wasn't the best piece to end things on.

SWALLOWED BY THE CRACKS is another solid DARK ARTS collection, and a fine introduction to four authors who might not be familiar to everyone.

Mostly Routine, But Good

ILL AT EASE by Stephen Bacon, Mark West, and Neil Williams (2011 PenMan Press / 38 pp / e-book)

This mini-collection (co-titled "Three New Stories of the Macabre") features some genuinely chilling moments, especially in the opening tale.  Stephen Bacon's 'Waiting for Josh' is a quiet-type creeper, about a man who returns to his hometown where a young man had gone missing when he was a kid.  Bacon's tight prose will keep you on the edge of your seat.

Mark West's 'Come See My House in the Pretty Town' is another one about a man who returns to his hometown, this time reminding me a bit of The Wicker Man. It's okay, but forgettable. 

'Closer Than You Think,' by Neil Williams is a spine-tingler dealing with a haunted child's car seat (!).  The idea sounds a bit silly but Williams makes it work.

ILL AT EASE is a decent little collection, featuring three well written stories and a couple of goosebumps.  Mostly routine, but good.

Hormones and Whoremoans

Check out my latest column at CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT: Lunch Wagon!

Vamps, Dragons, and Mega Swordplay...

HUNTING THE MOON TRIBE by David Agranoff (2011 Little Lotik Books / 261 pp / tp)


Erich is a young American student of kung fu, under the teaching of Yuen Wong.  He keeps having vivid dreams of a gorgeous Chinese woman, and eventually sees her in real life.  Of course his friends think he's nuts...but not Wong.  It turns out Erich is being called into a mystical battle between humans and vampires, and is eventually led on an adventure across the sea to a mystical Chinese realm where all kinds of creatures dwell, including dragons, headless giants and possessed trees.


It turns out the woman of Erich's dreams, Azeya, is a vampire under the control of Huwan Tu, the ruthless, power-mad leader of a vampire army bent on destroying Erich and his crew of vampire slayers, which includes turncoat Azeya as well as Yuen Wong's (now) vampiric wife.


Agranoff's novel reads lightning fast...but perhaps a bit TOO fast.  The action comes at such a rapid pace the reader might get a bit dizzy (but then again, like the classic kung fu films that inspired this tale, perhaps that was the author's intention).  While I enjoyed the epic feel of the plot (and thought Erich was a fine protagonist), the writing could have used a serious edit, as some of the prose could have been tightened up.  But thankfully there's so much going on here you hardly have time to notice the grammatical flaws.


The sword play and vampire-bloodshed come rapidly, and the stage is set for a second novel.  HUNTING THE MOON TRIBE is a neat blend of genres and Chinese mythology that'll remind you of a Saturday afternoon movie of yester-year.  Fun stuff.

A Walk Down Memory Lane

Renting movies is becoming a lost form of entertainment.  With places such as Blockbuster Video closing at an alarming rate (and forget about those old Mom & Pop rental stores, most now long deceased), the days of browsing through video rental stores full of colorful boxes is coming to an end.  Join me now as we visit those GLORIOUS days of the early-mid 1980s, when renting horror films was an (almost) daily event in my life...and of course, MOST of the times the VHS box art was better than the actual film!  Here's 29 classics that have me longing for the "Good Old Days..."

BY CROM! It Was GOOD!

I'm a LIFE-LONG fan of CONAN THE BARBARIAN.  From the old Marvel comics to Robert E. Howard's classic stories--and yes--I even liked the 1982 AHNULD film version (although part 2 is better left forgotten).  When I saw stills of new Conan JASON MOMOA, I rolled my eyes thinking this guy's too much of a pretty boy and not half as bulky as AHNULD.  But bulkiness be damned...Momoa did a FANTASTIC job of playing the Cimmerian, and the barbarian way of life seemed much more authentic here than in the 1982 film.

I'm way too much of a Conan fan boy to give this thing a solid review.  Suffice it to say, it follows about 5 Howard Conan stories quite closely, features countless decapitations, amuptations, battle sequences, sorcery,  jiggling boobies, and enough action to wake the dead.  I'm a happy camper (despite being able to pick out a few flaws that I won't even bother mentioning here).

Ron Perlman does a GREAT job as Conan's father, and the early scenes of the young Conan were fantastic.  Kudos to Rose McGowen as a razor-clawed witch and Stephen Lang as her power-obsessed father, seeking godhood through an ancient mask.  Rachel Nichols does okay as Conan's love-interest/woman in peril, and the CGI tentacle-creature (and sand men) weren't half bad.

I couldn't help but giggle at most of the dialogue, thinking members of MANOWAR must be having orgasms watching this film!

CONAN THE BARBARIAN delivers the skull-bashing goodness we fans of the Cimmerian have come to expect...what more do you need in a mainstream Hollywood movie?

Jason Momoa as CONAN THE BARBARIAN--he surprised me, but next time someone needs to tell the make-up people barbarians don't use hair conditioner...

S L A Y E R !

THE BLOODY REIGN OF SLAYER by Joel McIver (2010 Omnibus Press / 306 pp / tp)

I don't read a lot of books about bands or musicians, but once in a while a title will grab my attention.  While there's been dozens of books about metal bands such as METALLICA and BLACK SABBATH, this is the first time I saw one dedicated to L.A. thrashers SLAYER, a band I  was fascinated with in my teen years.  NO ONE played as fast or as heavy as they did, and all these years later they're STILL doing it (IMO) better than anyone.

McIver gives a detailed look at all of their albums, from 1983's SHOW NO MERCY right up to 2010's WORLD PAINTED BLOOD.  While I didn't always agree with him (he seems to hate any song that's not played ultra-fast), McIver has a good grasp on Slayer's sound and what makes it work.  SLAYER's several ep's and live albums (as well as 4 DVDs) are also looked at, but what made the book such a fun (and interesting) read are the stories of the band members themselves.  Guitarist Kerry King's opinions on other bands often made me crack up laughing, and I didn't realize drummer Dave Lombardo had played so many different styles of music during his 12-year split to persue side projects.  I was also surprised to learn singer/bassist Tom Araya is a practicing Catholic (!) who likes to spend his off-time listening to country music with his wife (he's also a big family man).  I never knew guitarist Jeff Hanneman grew up in the punk scene, but can now understand where much of the band's aggression (and speed) come from.

My only gripe with the book was the frequent repitition: much of the dialogue is taken from interviews the author has done over the years, and in certain chapters he'll explain what a member of the band had just told us in the previous section.  A better edit wouldn't have hurt.

Most interesting to me was the information on SLAYER during the 1990s, a decade where I had lost touch with them.  While they only released 2 original albums during this time (the band doesn't consider their 1990 release, SEASONS IN THE ABYSS one of them as they recorded it in 1989), they contained some of the band's fiercest, most brutal tracks...and I've been enjoying going back and listening to all the mayhem I've missed.  There's much info on SLAYER's second drummer, Paul Bostaph, who apparently did a fine job until Lombardo's return, and as a former drummer myself, I was pleased with how much of the book dealt with drumming in general (which is only fitting considering SLAYER's insanely fast double-bass drum tracks).

While not perfect, it's great to FINALLY have a testimony of SLAYER from their early years as a high school cover band--through their couple of drummer changes--back to the original line up who are still touring the world as one of the most beloved (and feared) acts in metal history.  There's also three nice picture sections, the first featuring early gig fliers and shots of the band that'll have fans in stitches.

Waiter, There's a Fly in my Johnson!

DARK SURGE by Gina Ranalli (2011 Dark Regions Press / 214 pp / tp)

Tess lives with her six year-old daughter (Hmmm--that's the 2nd book I've read this month to feature a six year-old girl!) in the wake of her husband Josh's unloyalty.  His new live-in girlfriend, Gillian, puts up with Tess coming around and Josh's love for his daughter, but it seems deep down she doesn't care for his baggage.

As Tess tries to get on with life, her home starts to become infested with flies...so bad that she eventually baits the entire first floor with fly strips, only to see them covered in the annoying buggers.  Meanwhile, Josh has a strange incident during urination: a painful spray of blood causes him to look down and find a maggot worming its way out of his penis.  Thinking he has some kind of flu or food poisoning, Gillian keeps him in bed, but things begin to get worse when he discovers pimple-sized boils on his back that start hatching more maggots.

Tess encounters a group of homeless street kids at a library, and when she shares her problem with them, one tells her she believes it could be some kind of curse (the teen turns out to be a practicing Wiccan).  Tess reluctantly goes back to them as a last-resort help, and the stage is set for a squirming, action-packed finale.

DARK SURGE has all the elements of a classic creature-feature, only this time there's the hint of an occult edge that's never fully explained: but like an episode of TALES FROM THE DARKSIDE, the missing information (especially during the conclusion) only enhances the creepiness of the tale.

Ranalli once again delivers a quick, satisfying horror tale that'll leave you squirming for more.

Those CRAZY 70s!

In my never ending quest to see every obscure low budget 70s film, I came across (no pun intended) a 1972 sex comedy titled THE GODDAUGHTER, which--among other things--just might be a precursor to the current crop of adult films that parody popular movies (not to mention Nunsploitation films).  Thanks to the lunatics at SOMETHING WEIRD VIDEO, this disgusting piece of cinematic slime can now be enjoyed outside of seedy urban theaters.  Just make sure the kids aren't home--or your spouse for that matter!

In this goofy spoof of THE GODFATHER, Michael Carrione (!) is the Don--one who is "A f___ing faggot!" according to a member of a rival family who are in attendance at the Don's sister's west coast wedding.  Before you can say INEPT ACTING, a topless woman pops out of a cake and whacks the don by putting a bullet between his eyes.  Said rival family threatens the Carrione's to replace the faggy Don or THEY'LL take over.  The Carrione's learn that the Don has an illegitimate daughter back in Italy, and she comes to America to continue the family business...with one slight catch: she's a nun!  And after the rival family rapes and crucifies her (yeah, this thing gets a bit sick, although none of the violence is convincing), Toni Carrione vows revenge by employing a group of nuns who each have a secret weapon: big booby legend Ushi Diggard (not credited for some reason) offs one gangster by smothering him to death with her mammoth mellons, then shoots another guy in the head with a bullet from her nipple (don't ask).  Another girl, with a mouth full of  metal teeth, castrates two guys (mind you this was 33 years before a similar scene in 2001 MANIACS), and yet another girl strangles one guy to death with her hair as she shoots another guy in the brain with a gun hidden in her ass.  And Toni Carrione herself slides a poison needle into her crotch to off a lesbian family turncoat.  Unbelievable...

Add to this the sleaziest movie producer ever to grace a film (fitted with a HUGE fake johnson to make him live up to his nickname), a 70s-style orgy that's scarier to look at than a hitman's gun pointed in your face, and rapid-fire classic dialogue that'll make you want to grab a pen and paper.

Somehow this softcore sex comedy managed to stick in (again, no pun intended) some flashes of hardcore, guaranteeing the film will never be seen on late night cable.

While nowhere near as entertaining as last summer's re-discovered lost 1981 mafia flick, GONE WITH THE POPE, THE GODDAUGHTER is an interesting piece of grindhouse trash for mob film completists with little to no conscience.

Two members of the Carrione family make plans...

They tried to capture the feel of THE GODFATHER's classic wedding scene...and came up MUCHO short!

Mario Carrione (a.k.a. The Gay Don!)

Mario after being whacked by a topless cake girl

DO NOT mess with the Carrione girls!

Toni Carrione may be a nun, but she has NO problem whacking those who oppose The Family...

Hitmen and nun mobsters: WHAT were they smoking in 1972?

A rival family member is shot in the head...the gun was carefully concealed in a woman's booty.  You've been warned.

KIN is a MUST Read

I recently had the absolute pleasure of reviewing Kealan Patrick Burke's forthcoming novel, KIN.  Check out my review at THE CROW'S CAW

Enjoy...

A Little Little Goes a Long Way...

URSA MAJOR by John R. Little (2011 Bad Moon Books / 88 pp / tp)

Little follows a string of fantastic time-travel novellas with a suspense-filled action yarn, this time pitting a man and his girlfriend's 6-year old daughter against an 8-foot tall grizzly bear at an isolated cabin.  In classic Little style, we get plenty of great writing jammed into this 70-paged novella, and an ending that'll rip your heart out.  But that's all I can say about this short work without giving anything away.

There's also a 10-paged (!) introduction by Gene O'Neill and Gord Rollo that's quite funny, but at $15.00, few outside of the serious collector's market will get to read this.

More GODZY Goodness!

More all-out monster mayhem in the 5th issue of IDW's GODZILLA: KINGDOM OF MONSTERS.  More of the same as what came before, but it looks like it's leading somewhere good.  Rodan in Russia!  Godzilla and Anguirus grapple in L.A.!  Battra in France!  Can't wait to see what comes next...

What looked to be a ridiculous idea has proven itself to be anything but in the second issue of IDW's GODZILLA: GANGSTERS AND GOLIATHS.  This time the thug who kidnapped Mothra's twin girl keepers is using Mothra to wipe out the Tokyo underworld...and again, as silly as it sounds this thing is actually WORKING!  Great script here and plenty of places for the tale to go.

LOVIN' these new GODZY comics...