FINALLY . . . a Remake that Improves on the Original

I've always been against remakes (despite enjoying a couple), so I wasn't expecting too much when I went to see THE CRAZIES, an update of one of my favorite George Romero films. While this new one does use a few horror film cliches and has the feel and set-up of a 50s monster movie, director Breck Eisner (of the 2005 desert adventure, SAHARA) has turned out a surprisingly good, creepy flick.

While this one sticks quite closely to Romero's original, the explanation of what's causing people to go nuts is more clearly explained and the suspense level in a few choice sequences are top notch. And I'm still trying to figure out why so many reviewers keep calling the title characters 'zombies.' It's quite clear these aren't flesh-eating monsters, but ordinary people who have become unstable to the point of murder. I DO feel the victims in Romero's original were scarier, being they didn't physically change appearance (the updated Crazies begin to bleed black gook from their noses and have purple veins running across their faces), yet the new ones still work.

2 great performances come from Timothy Olyphant and Radha Mitchell, who play our town sherrif David and his family doctor-wife, Judy. We care about each of them throughout the film, especially when Judy is separated from David at a makeshift military de-contamination camp (one of the eeriest scenes in the film).

THE CRAZIES is everything 99.9% of the current trend of horror remakes isn't: exciting, well done, respectful of the original, and best of all, genuinely scary.

GREAT GEEK MOMENTS: Lynn Lowry (one of the stars of the original) appears in a cameo as a Crazy, and the military bio-weapon-gone-loose is again refered to as 'Trixie' (an alternate title for the original was CODE NAME: TRIXIE).

You'll hate Yourself For Laughing So Hard...

TABLOID TERRORS 3: ALIEN PERVERTS WRECKED MY PUBES (2009 Skullvines Press / 96 pp. / tp)

The third installment of this whacky series begins with S.D. Hintz' hysterical redneck crop-circle invasion (also titled Alien Perverts Wreckied My Pubes). I don't think I'll ever be able to look at a picture of a crop circle again without laughing my ass off! Next up, Louise Bohmer keeps the laughs going as 'Space Dildo Runs Amok in Nursing Home!' After a nurse from an old-folks home is abducted by aliens, a space-dildo with a mind of its own sneaks into her purse and is transported back to earth. What follows is a pure riot and will even have the guys blushing.

Jerrod Balzer's 'Alien Midgets Go Hi-Ho on the Ho-Ho' is a short and silly romp featuring multiple-mini-alien invaders and how they breed with a crack whore, while in Daniel I. Russell's 'Albino Lesbians Penetrate the grand Canyon', is a nasty ode to alien skat (!) that is more disgusting than funny, but oddly fits into this twisted little anthology.

In 'Moonshiner Says Aliens, "Taste Just Like Chicken!",' L.L. Soares pits a stranded one-footed, multi-tentacled alien and his new-found friend Sasquatch against a crazed pie-protecting hillbilly and an alcoholic preacher, complete with a truly white-trash ending. Jerrod Balzer returns to wrap things up with another poop-infested tale, 'Close Encounters of the Turd Kind: A Family Tragedy,' which includes a neat spoof on the Jerry Springer show and brings the collection full (anal) circle.

In-between all this there's funny little alien facts (or fallacies) and plenty of disturbing pictures to accompany the stories. TABLOID TERRORS 3 may be disgusting and childish, but its unashamed, hysterical bathroom-style humor will make you hate yourself for laughing so hard.

He Swings...He Misses...

MONSTER by A. Lee Martinez (2009 Orbit / 342 pp. / mmp)

Lee's 6th novel (and the second I've read since his debut, GIL'S ALL FRIGHT DINER) deals with a color-changing human who runs a pest-control company; but he doesn't exactly go after rats and roaches. Along with his self-folding paper partner Chester, he collects ("Ghostbusters-style") all kinds of pesky "cryptobiological" creatures with his unique brand of magic, such as Yetis and all manner of mythical beasts who manage to find their way into our universe.

Despite this interesting premise (and a genuinely hysterical opening chapter, where our heroes confront a Yeti in the frozen food section of a food market), MONSTER turned out to be somewhat of a bore. There's neat monsters lurking in every corner, plenty of action, and a satisfying ending. But I found Chester (the side-kick) much more interesting than our protagonist Monster, and nearly every other character is quite forgettable. Where Lee shined in his debut novel with the humor, MONSTER starts the reader off in stitches then rapidly becomes a series of tiring and unfunny skits; I found myself struggling to the end. Read the first 5 chapters and the last 3 and you'll get the point while missing nothing.

While MONSTER will probably be enjoyed by fans of comic fantasy, this horror fan quickly lost interest, and hopes Martinez will one day return to a fully horror-themed comedy caper.

Now THIS is How You do a DVD

This legendary underground film is crudely-shot, offensive, barbaric, horribly acted, pointless, silly, terrifying and gross . . . basically everything fans of extreme cinema would want. Barrell Entertainment did a fantastic job with this, from the nice transfer of the film to the mucho-extras (there's even a great interview with the director from a 1975 episode of the Joe Franklin show!) and commentary from both the director and Chas. Balun (both now deceased).

This can easily be considered the prototype for "torture porn" and pseudo-snuff films. It's not pretty, but MAN is it entertaining.

Pulp Friction...

PLEASURE MODEL by Christopher Fowley (2010 Tor / 238 pp. / tp)

This is the first in a planned 3-book run subtitled "Heavy Metal Pulp" (inspired by the famous illustrated fantasy magazine), but note these AREN'T graphic novels; they're novels with plenty of interior artwork (this time courtesy of Justin Norman).

The story is basically a mixture of BLADERUNNER and the "Harry Canyon" segment of the 1981 animated HEAVY METAL film. When a former special ops big shot named Sangacha is found murdered, Investigating Officer Rook Venner is called to the scene. Among the strange details left at the scene is the only witness: a woman named Plesur, who is actually a gene-grown human whose sole purpose is to provide sexual pleasure for her owner. Things get really weird when Rook discovers Plesur is still a "virgin", making it all the more strange Sangacha had a Pleasure Model to begin with. What ensues is standard scifi pulp noir, complete with uber-powerful military robots, plenty of shady characters, bare-knuckled brawls, conspiracies, and some trashy (although surprisingly un-graphic) sex and S&M scenes.

A few early readers expressed their concerns that they found this title to be sexist and sophomoric. Like MOST pulpy noir, PLEASURE MODEL is sexist (those sensitive to this might like to know that our male protagonist, Rook, is also treated like a slab of meat in a couple of scenes by the ladies), but then again with a title and cover like this, I doubt too many people seeking a politically-correct (or even original) scifi tale will bother with Rowley's lurid foray into a sleazy future. But if you're looking for some non-stop, violent b-movie type fun that can be read in a sitting or two, PLEASURE MODEL fits the bill and will probably be recognized as a true guilty pleasure among fans of the magazine that inspired this.

Sword and Sandal is alive and well...

DEMON HUNTER: THE CHOSEN ONE by Cynthia Vespia (2009 Aspen Mountain Press / 216 pp. / e-book)

Although the cover of this e-book looks like one of those dime-a-dozen, trendy, sex-packed chick-lit deals, and despite a warning that the story contains adult scenes and language and to store it with e-books that cannot be accessed by kids (I kid you not), Vespia's DEMON HUNTER: THE CHOSEN ONE turned out to be more like a classic re-telling of Conan with a bit of Doug Clegg's "Priest of Blood" series thrown in. In fact, there's absoultely NO sex and hardly any profanity here, so why the author and/or publisher felt compelled to slap a warning before the story is anyone's guess.

Vespia's tale of a 16 year-old hunter named Costa Calabrese is chock-full of action, demons, shapeshifters, and vampires (who are thankfully vicious bloodsuckers, NOT "Twilight-ish" cry babies). When Costa returns from the woods one day to find his village in ruins, he moves on and becomes a student of Talos, a seasoned fighter and teacher of young warriors. Costa also learns his father (who he never knew) was a famous demon hunter who was also a friend of Talos.

What follows is standard sword & sorcery fare, although Vespia's fine writing keeps the pages flipping (or scrolling, considering this is an e-book). There's nothing new here for fans of this stuff, but the tale itself is well told and the unlikely alliance between Costa, a headstrong elf named Paralay, and Talos' daughter, Talisa, are memorable enough that they should hold up fine to future adventures (a second title, DEMON HUNTER: SEEK AND DESTROY (also 2009), was released shortly after this one).

Perhaps the publisher should've went with a different cover design; this book will easily appeal to monster fans, but will most likely turn off those who come seeking a beefcake romance.

Bizarre even for Bizarro

ARCHELON RANCH by Garrett Cook (2009 LegumeMan Books / 111 pp. / tp and e-book)

Barnard's father and a slightly off-balanced Professor have been injecting him with a strange mud-substance in the hopes of everyone (one day) being able to go unaffected by the effects of the mud(?!). Hoping to find the paradise of the title Ranch, our protagonist(s) go off into the mysterious suburbs---and this is just the beginning of one of the strangest bizarro tales I've read yet.

But this is not just weird for weirdness' sake; Cook's story is an ever-shifting barrage of ideas, emotions, and metafiction of the funniest order. Cook himself is part of the quest of these fascinating characters, who attempt to understand (through violent, thought-provoking, and always funny situations) who they are and where they stand in their creator's eyes. Cook's use of a shopping mall as a barrier between classes and gateway to potential paradise brings out stronger social commentary than was even hinted at in Romero's DAWN OF THE DEAD (1979).

This short novella may leave some scratching their heads, but in a good way; we don't know if Cook is crying out for help or just moaning about the writer's life (I'd like to think a combo of both). And despite similarities to some of Burroughs' work here and there, Garrett's RANCH is all his own and is written at a frantic pace that begs to be finished in one sitting. I'm looking forward to more from this fresh, ultra-strange voice in the bizarro genre.